
This cartoon depicts a buddha sitting in meditation while experiencing aversion (anger, fear, hatred). The aversion is shown as fire and billowing smoke coming out of the buddha’s ears, while she sits calmly, experiencing the phenomena without reacting.
Leading and acting out of love, not aversion, is a complex topic, and this article will cover some of the basics from my understanding.
How do we lead or act out of love rather than aversion? First, let’s ask, under what conditions might we act out of aversion (fear, anger , hatred)? Sometimes the aversive phenomenon, whether inner or outer, seems threatening, and we feel helpless or that we need to protect ourselves. We may think that aversion is more protective than love. Is this true? Is aversion more protective than love? Likely, studies need to be done to determine the answer to this question; however, from my own experience, I feel most safe when I’m connected to love, sympathetic joy, compassion, and equanimity, not aversion (fear, anger, hatred). Connecting with these divine abodes resources us and increases our capacity to hold difficult phenomena.
Acting out of love, not aversion, can be trained through mindfulness meditation.
One way to have the resources and capacity to not react to aversive phenomena or their causes out of aversion is to practice mindfulness meditation. This isn’t an earth-shattering statement, as most mindfulness practitioners would likely agree. The reason is that as we PRACTICE mindfulness (bringing awareness to the experience of what’s here now without judgment), we are training ourselves to be present with all the phenomena that arise, to observe them without judgment, and to let them go when they have passed.
When we’re practicing, we don’t suddenly jump up and act or react to an aversive phenomenon that occurred in the mind/body/environment during our practice session. In this way, with a regular practice we PRACTICE allowing anger, fear, and even hatred to be here, over and over, always holding the aversion with kindness and bringing attention to the bodily sensations of the aversion. When we do this, we see the anger and fear are not permanent, nor solid, nor do they have unchanging demarcations.
A second way to not react out of aversion is to bring the following to mind: with so much negativity and positivity in the world, we remind ourselves of the good, that people are fundamentally good, although sometimes they act out of aversion, desire or delusion. When people act out of the kleshas (aversion, desire, and delusion), they need compassionate, loving, and equanimous actions from us, not more aversive actions. We bring to mind that we need to be receptacles of the divine abodes (love, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity) in order to be most of service to others and the world.
A third way to have the resources and capacity to not act out of aversion is to remember PATIENCE. A little patience can save us a lot of unpleasantness, and can also stop us from reacting out of aversion. Whatever the aversive phenomenon, if we can just bring to mind patience, often we soften and let go of needing things to be a specific way (for now). Later, when we are no longer in the grip of aversion, we can determine whether a response is needed from us. Patience also increases when we practice mindfulness meditation. When we sit, it kind of is an exercise in patience, as we observe and allow whatever phenomena arise and pass to be as they are, without interfering.
Acting out of love, not aversion, becomes more the default when we see the futility of aversion.
A fourth way to not act out of aversion is to realize that almost all aversion is futile. Can you think of a time that fear, anger, or hatred actually led to productive or positive outcomes? As Dr. Martin Luther king Jr. said, “Hate will never drive out hate. Only love can do that.” Imagine arguing with your spouse. Is there ever any point to it? When we see the ultimate futility of aversion, we drop it immediately. Angry reactions rarely work in the long term.
In summary, there are four things we can do when caught in aversion to stop us from reacting: 1. practice mindfulness meditation, 2. remember that people are fundamentally good, 3. remember patience, and 4. remember that aversion is futile. Further, when we connect with love, sympathetic joy, compassion, and equanimity, we are more resourced and with greater capacity to respond out of love, rather than aversion.